The Pigs of Goa

I’m working on a new ebook and audiobook in my Travel Psychologist Travel Tales Series on funny travel stories. But I am also working on an ebook and audiobook of toilet stories as well. Sorry, but the latter book is also funny as hell! The sketch by my old friend Ted Keller about ‘outhouse pigs’ gives you a hint of what’s to come! I’m so proud of this ebook. Have a looksee!

 *Travel Story

[Note: Definitely not for the faint of heart!]

This is in Goa, India. In fact, Goa used to be a Portuguese colony. It was not a part of the English empire and so the Portuguese influence still lingers in Goa.

Anyways, they eat pork there. In fact, a lot of the people keep pigs in Goa.

We stayed in this one village, which was really a modern place. All the houses were thatched, but they had a concrete toilet for this whole group of houses. There were four stalls and there was a ramp at the bottom of the hole that slid down into a trough where the pigs fed.

That’s where the people let their pigs run around wild. Pigs are very intelligent animals, and they can see humans walking towards the stalls ,and before you can get there, there is a pig already around the back, and even before you can get your pants dropped, you are looking down the hole, and the pig is so eager he has skidded up—he is actually try-ing to climb up this ramp with his snapping jaws right below you—right below you just as you drop your pants to take a shit.

Then what happens?

That’s it. They eat. Well they eat it of course, but you got to shit first. You can’t not shit, and you shit right on their faces. You shit right on their noses and everything.

Sometimes if they’re napping or far away or people are out chasing them to take them to market or something like that. You can actually try to beat the pigs to the toilets, but be it as it may, you can never finish before the pigs start climbing up the chute, because they’ve already finished what’s in the trough. You simply cannot beat them at their game.

What kind of a feeling did you have when you were doing this?

The first couple of weeks it was really hard to get used to. First I felt fear. The snapping jaws. As I’m squatting over this hole, there’s not much separating us. I mechanically examined the chute to make sure that it was safe. It would be, in reality, maybe about a foot and a half, which was maybe the highest that the pig could get his head up, because of the design of the chute.

But you never know, there might be one small enough that could scoot up. But, no, really. I examined it carefully and had no fear actually of ever losing my “cahones” (balls) in this manner to a pig.

First there was fear?

Yeah. Then I guess, disgust.

This is terrible, how can a fella take a shit when this animal is just waiting below? But then of course you get used to it.

We didn’t eat any pork in India. Oh no, we didn’t eat any pork at all!

Was there any pleasure in it? I know you talked about the fear.

No. Once you got used to it, there was a bit of amusement, though. Even then it was a funny story.

Do you think there are any people that could get off on that?

Seriously. I never met anybody that expressed that, the desire to do that.

Like I said before, the first while that we settled in there, it was pretty disconcerting, so it might delay your shit. I betcha the pigs just got impatient and they’d among themselves, “Say, I wonder what’s taking this guy so long?” The pigs don’t know that they’re part of the problem.

After a while you eventually got used to that and you’d simply just go there and feed the pigs, and the pigs are happy and you’re much happier for it, too.

How did the pigs feel do you think? What you saw, what they were doing down there. A little more detail.

I don’t know. You’d be sitting around in your room or get up in the morning, whatever your routine happens to be. You go out and first you’d look to see if there were any pigs around.

Of course, they don’t make themselves real obvious most of the time. They’re usually just resting in the shade. But just because you come out of your door, the pigs don’t automatically react, but they perk up. Especially if it’s the time of day that you are accustomed to going, because they are very intelligent and they do learn your habits.

I don’t know, I guess they just see you start to walk over there and say, “Oh boy, here it comes. It’s a supplement for my food. I’m a pig. I’ll eat anything I like.

I don’t know, the idea is for the pigs to just get over there and be ready when it comes . . . I guess before the other pigs come or something, because they try to get there right away and they always beat you to it.

Really. It’s almost impossible to beat them to the toilet. Before you got the door closed, they’re already starting to climb up the chute. I don’t know. They’re just very eager; they get to know your habits.

As I remember they were mostly black and white spotted pigs, and, of course, all of them have coarse hairs, and they come in all sizes. If you’ve seen pigs, they do have an intelligent look about them. Their eyes, in fact, are kind of human in a way. Of course, a lot of animals’ eyes are, I guess. But I don’t know, they’re just ravenous eaters.

Do they grunt?

Oh yeah, oh geez yea. They’re pigs, and they grunt and they make all sorts of noises. I don’t know if it’s glee or what, but they sure do grunt!

*Reproduced here from Michael Brein’s Travel Tales Collection No. 8 March 2015, “Toilet Stories.”